


Savin' Me

by Destielwolves17



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Abused Castiel, Alternate Universe - High School, Blowjobs, Castiel-is-a-genius, Dean-Is-a-douchebag, Drinking, Enemies to Lovers, Jock Dean, Lots of wrist cutting, M/M, Rape, Self Harm, Soldier Dean, Swearing, Teen Angst, Tutoring, goth cas, my first fic be nice, sorry chapter 1 sucks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-08 11:00:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destielwolves17/pseuds/Destielwolves17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is so excited for high school to end. With only four weeks left, he was soon to be on his way to college and to be far away from his abusive parents and all the dick-bags at school, especially Dean Winchester. After being asked by his teacher if he would tutor the hopelessly failing math bully, Cas learns that there can be hope and light even where there was none before. Dean saves him in more ways then one but can he save himself from his decision to leave everything behind and go into the army? THIS IS NOT A HAPPY STORY BUT IT MIGHT HAVE A GOOD ENDING.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction into Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic so please be gentle. I apologize chapter 1 is so short, I just wanted to get it out here and stat working on chapter 2 (which is going to be remarkably longer). This is just sorta a basic introduction into what's going on. Please leave comments, tell me what I can do to make this better and if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them even though I have a basic outline for the story already. Chapter 2 should be up soon.

“Hey, Novak!” an all too familiar voice yells.

Castiel just buries his head deeper into his locker, wishing more then anything he could just avoid this. Just one day of not being abused. _One day. Is that so much to ask?_ He wonders silently as Dean’s well built body slams into him, making Cas’s stomach be crushed against the locker edge.

He lets out a little groan of discomfort, because that was nothing compared to some things that have happened to him, but it still sucked. Cas was one of the most popular kids in school…. to be picked on and hated by all. He was an outcast even to the other outcasts in school. He had no friends and no one to turn to for support or help. He was a complete lone wolf.

“Problem Novak?” Dean Winchester laughs into Cas’s ear, his minty breath blowing into his face. “Yeah Winchester, you’re obviously not pressing hard enough! Little fag likes it to hurt.” one of Dean’s friends that Cas wasn’t entirely sure of the name of laughs and pats Dean on the shoulder before pulling him back gently and then rams himself hard into Cas, making the smaller body slam full force into the locker. Cas makes a pained little grunt and closes his eyes as he struggles to try and get his wind back.

Now that was a little more what he was used to.

A few people look at the scene but every one of them just keeps walking, maybe giving a little chuckle on the way. Cas hunches his shoulders over and cautiously pushes his way back away from the locker. That seemed too easy. He thinks as he clutches his textbooks to his sore chest and he slinks away from the three boys that stood in a semi-circle around him. He tries to creep around the outside of Dean’s flank, hoping he could pass by unnoticed. Unfortunately, Dean wasn’t as stupid as Cas had hoped.

His foot sticks out and Cas really couldn’t do anything to stop himself from falling. He knew if he had even tried to put his arms out to stop himself, his malnourished bones would have snapped. He was more content to take the fall and shake off the new bout of breathlessness then have to deal with a broken wrist. Dean laughs loudly, looking down at Cas. “Watch where you’re going faggot.” he looked disgusted he had to touch Cas long enough to trip him.

Cas just slowly gets himself up and thankfully gets away from the crowd cheering Dean on. These people meant nothing to him. He couldn’t wait to get away. _Not that much longer. Four weeks. You can do it._ He gives himself a mental pep talk. He limps off to English class and takes his normal seat in the back left corner of the room.

He liked that corner; it was right by a window overlooking the woods and pretty far away from other people. He folds his arms on top of the desk and lays his chin on them, closing his eyes. The teacher looks at him and smiles softly. “How are you today Mr. Castiel?” he asks in his surprisingly kind German accent. Mr. B was Cas’s favorite teacher by far. He always left Cas alone and never gave him grief over anything. He accepted him.

“I’m well. How about you?” Cas responds in his usual soft voice. “Same. You look tired, more so then usual. Are you sure everything is okay?” That was another thing about Mr. B. He always worried about Cas. “I suppose I haven’t been sleeping much, studying for finals and all.” he lies easily. He certainly has been studying but that wasn’t the reason he was so ill looking. “I guess that’ll do it. Just don’t over do it kiddo. I know you’re more intelligent then most but passing out in the middle of testing isn’t going to help anything.” “I know Mr. B. Thank you.” Cas closes his eyes again to signal he was done with that conversation. The rest of the class flies by and all too soon the bell rings and Cas was off to calculus.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets asked to help his lifetime bully to pass math finals.

Cas walks into the math classroom, his head low as usual. “Mr. Novak? May I see you after class?” his teacher asks him almost as soon as he enters. 

“Of course ma’am.” Cas says softly and takes his seat. 

“Don’t worry Novak, you’re not in trouble.” Mrs. Hick says with a small chuckle. Cas just nods vaguely and puts his head down. All his teachers were well used to this position for him and they never yelled at him for it since he was typically the only perfect grade in the class despite his seemingly careless attitude. 

Cas listens to the teacher bark at everyone for the fifty minuets of the period and dismiss them after the bell like usual. Cas slinks to her desk and stands at the corner of it, wringing his hands nervously. 

His fingers start to rub as his pale wrist, which was covered in hundreds of scars. Most were fairly new, one or two even being from the day before. 

Cas had an addiction to making himself bleed. 

Most people could tell just by looking at him that he wasn’t one hundred percent okay in the head, and since he always wore long sleeve shirts, even during PE, it wasn’t hard to guess that he cut. 

But no one had any idea how bad it really was. Most of the time, he couldn’t even seem to make himself wait long enough to raise his hand and go to the bathroom, so instead he just knicks himself over and over under the desk. 

His razor was almost always in his hand and if not it was sticking up out of the pocket on his hip for easy access. No other student cared. Cas literally meant less then a pencil to most of them. 

He wanted to cut so badly right now but he would rather not get busted by the teachers since technically it was illegal to have a razor in school and while the students couldn’t give two shits, his math teacher absolutely would send him right to the guidance office who would call his parents and… yeah not worth it. Not even close. 

After an agonizing wait, Mrs. Hick comes into the room with Dean Winchester trailing her heels with a biter, annoyed look set on his face. 

‘Why does this always happen to me?’ Cas thinks with despair. It wasn’t going to be hard to guess what this was about. Mrs. Hick had seen the problems he’s been having with Dean and had decided to take matters into her own hands. ‘Stupid guidance counselor wannabe.’ 

“So boys, as we all know, Dean, you are doing an absolutely horrible job in my algebra class.” she starts. 

‘Oh. Not the direction I was expecting this to go. Wait, oh shit. No no no please just yell at us for not getting along! Don’t go down the route I think this is going!’ 

“And Castiel, you’re my best student.”

‘Please no.’ 

“So I was hoping that I could convince you to tutor Mr. Winchester.” 

‘Fuck.’ 

Cas opens his mouth to say no but Mrs. Hick cuts him off. “Please Castiel. I’m begging you. Mr. Winchester doesn’t have a prayer of even coming close to passing the final exams without some big time help.” 

Cas still wasn’t convinced and Mrs. Hick could see this so she steps it up “If you do this, it’ll give you major college credits.” 

‘One angle I can’t refuse. Fuck my life.’ 

“Okay. I guess I can give it a try. When and where?” Cas says in a very unsure, hesitant voice. 

Dean, who’d seemed pretty laid back for the most part of this conversation suddenly tenses and looks at Cas in shock. “You’re not seriously considering this, are you?” 

“Yes, I actually am. I need the credits, even if that means working with your dumb-… butt. Believe me, I’m going to hate every minuet of it just as much as you are.” Cas mumbles. He refused to even look at Dean. 

“Okay, excellent. You two can meet for two hours in the library after school until finals so that gives you 2 weeks. If you decide you want to do some work over the weekend too, it’s up to you guys, not a requirement.” 

‘Two hours every night with this asshole? I’m going to be bloodied to all hell by the end of all this.’ Cas mentally grumbles. He just hoped the bully could keep his fists to himself while Cas tried to help him. 

“Okay, I’ll be there.” Cas nods. He somewhat felt like he’d signed his own death contract but he didn’t really care about that. It wasn’t like he’s never caused bodily harm upon himself before. 

‘This is going to be one experience I’m never going to forget.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it was a little longer I think. They are going to get progressively longer each chapter and towards the middle, it's going to be extremely long. And heartbreaking.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel goes home to hell and faces his father and brother about becoming a tutor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah. Two chapters in two days. This probably will never happen again. I just wanna say thanks to everyone reading this and bearing through all this kinda boring for now stuff. It's gonna get better, I promise. 
> 
> Oh I also need to add a disclaimer so this goes for every page here- I DO NOT OWN SPN OR ANY OF IT'S CHARACTERS.

Cas walked home that night after school. It was raining, and cold, and just generally miserable but honestly, Cas enjoyed it. These kind of days just fit him. 

He hears the roar of a loud car engine and looks up, surprised to see a beautiful, huge black Chevy car driving along the curb beside him. The window rolls down. “Want a ride?” Dean calls from the drivers seat. 

“No thank you. I’m good with walking.” Cas replies, lowering his head again. ‘What the heck is that about? Beating me up one hour, offering me a ride home the next? Ha, I bet it’s a trick. Build up a trust between us to murder me later. I don’t think so buddy boy.’ 

“Okay then suit yourself and get sick.” Dean rolls the window up and speeds away, the red tail lights of the car vanishing behind a hill. 

The rain starts to fall a little harder but instead of being like a normal person and trying to walk faster to get out of it, Cas only walks slower. It was so peaceful out. 

Cas closes his eyes and starts to hum one of his favorite songs under his breath. Before he realized what was happening to himself he started skipping a little and scuffing his feet on the sidewalk as he starts to move his hips a little to the rhythm in his head. 

He starts to mouth the words to himself and jumps a little off the ground, turning in a smooth circle, he shrugs his shoulders a little and actually laughs at himself, this was about as close to happiness he had. 

His black bangs flop in front of his eyes and he shrugs and brushes them away and tucks the hair behind his ear. His chipped black painted fingernails stand out in contrast to his pale alabaster skin when they crossed his face. 

His light attitude was soon eradicated when his house came into view. The place was a huge, well kept mansion. You could never guess a bunch of abusive assholes lived there. Cas walks up the well trimmed sidewalk, his feet dragging heavily now. All his spirit drained right out of him. 

He pushes the door open slowly, wishing he could run somewhere. ‘Anywhere but here. Maybe having friends wouldn’t be so bad. At least if I had someone I could hide out at their house sometimes.’

The door opens and Cas can’t help but wince at the click it made when he closed it. “Castiel?” his fathers voice calls immediately. 

‘And here it comes.’ Cas slides his backpack off and stands in he kitchen, waiting for his father. 

The man enters and Cas sighs. Even after all the pain he’s been through, he still couldn’t help but see his father as he used to. The man had not physically changed one bit. He was still the tall, stoic, aesthetically pleasing man he was before his wife died. 

He just had the world most vicious, unpredictable temper now. 

‘And even still he’s not as bad as Michael.’ Castiel thinks with a slight wince. 

Thomas Novak rests his hand on the counter and looks Castiel up and down. “How was school?” 

“It was… fine?” ‘What the hell was this about? He hasn’t talked to me like this since the accident.’ 

“I got a call from the school today… you have taken on the duty of tutoring Dean Winchester?” he says with a very pointed look. 

“Yes sir.” Cas says hesitantly. He could tell from his father’s eyes that he had something to say about this arrangement. 

“And did you just plan on not telling me?” Thomas crosses his muscled arms over his chest, his eyes narrowing at Cas. 

“N-no sir. I was going to tell you, I just a-agreed to it sixth period.” Cas stumbles over his words.  
“Then why are you stuttering you little bag of shit?” Thomas snarls, clenching his fist. 

‘Shit.’ Cas had no idea how to espond to that one. He happened to stutter when under pressure or scared, which he was currently both. “I-I-.” 

The fist came out of literally no where, slamming him in the back of the head. Cas’s older brother Michael looks down at Cas’s limp form on the floor and looks to his father for approval. 

Michael was Castiel’s older brother, who abused the younger boy more then even their father. 

Thomas looks at Cas and nods. “Good job Michael.” he looks at the blonde haired man and smiles. “Drag his ass upstairs. And for godssake don’t forget to lock the bloody door.” 

“Of course Father.” Michael says reverently and grabs Castiel by his ankle, dragging up the steps to the smallest bedroom in the house, Cas’s room. 

He leaves the unconscious body on the floor and uses the outside lock to make sure that Cas couldn’t get out of the room. Not that the black haired teen really had much incentive to get up and go anywhere anyways. 

Cas’s room was tiny; it barely passed as a walk in closet, much less a bedroom. Still they had managed to stuff an army cot like thing in there to serve as his bed and a large box to hold his clothes and other nearly non-existent belongings. 

But Cas didn’t really care much about that. He had his life planned. He only had to endure this miserable caged life for four more weeks. Then it was the sweet freedom of college and after that, his own existence would start. Nothing would taste sweeter then the finish line at the end of high school. Castiel took a lot of pride in the fact that despite his family’s constant attempts to make him give up entirely, he fought through high school and had a good feeling about graduating somewhere near the top of his class. 

Cas was an incredibly smart young man, taking and making straight A’s in all honor classes. He devoted himself entirely to making sure his transcripts would be flawless so he could get good scholarships to the best colleges’. 

Scholarships were going to be the key though since he had no way to pay for college. Any spare cash he could pick up now was used to either buy a semi decent meal from Wendy’s or the like or to buy a new article of clothing if one is needed so he had no money saved up for it. 

Cas wakes up about an hour later to a completely dark room, He had the blinds pulled over his window but it was dark outside anyways so he saw no help to come from opening them. 

He slowly undresses, his head throbbing violently. ‘Michael’s arm had most definitely gotten a lot stronger. That hurt like hell.’ 

He blinks his heavy eyelids and drops down onto his bed, laying flat on his back. He normally slept on his side but he knew he could move quicker and in more ways on his back then on his side and he felt the suffering he’d gone through already was a little too easy compared to normal so he had his concerns about being visited later in the night. 

He grabs the corner of his ratty old blanket and pulls it over himself. He really wasn’t all that cold but he always felt better sleeping with that ugly as all hell purple and pink colored blanket. It was still the most beautiful thing he owned and he treasured it absolutely. With his eyes locked on the ceiling and his hand tangled in his comfort blanket, Castiel falls asleep, dreaming and hoping anxiously for a better new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there, a little longer chapter. Yay. Next chapter is partially written already and since I have tomorrow and no school monday, I may be able to get it up in one or two days. Thanks again ya'll!


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has a talk with John about his failig math grade and comes to a shocking realization about Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait. School sucks. Anyways, here's a new chapter for ya'll. It's a bit longer then the others I think. Like I said, they should be pretty much increasing in length by this point. Hoping to have the next chapter out soon so to all those who are following and enjoying this fic, thanks a lot!

Chapter 4  
(Dean pov)

‘What is going on with me? I can’t fucking believe this shit is happening! Of all the things that could go wrong, I never expected Novak to accept being my tutor!’ Dean rant silently to himself as he bends over the hood of a car he was helping his dad rebuild. 

Winchester and Singer’s auto shop was the best place to get any sort of car repair done and this was where Dean worked. It was his escape sanctuary. He loved taking engines apart and putting all the little pieces back together and making it better then before. Basically Dean loved fixing things. 

John Winchester stood behind Dean, leaning against the doorframe as he watches his son and listens to him mutter about how unfair it was and how much he despised the little queer. 

“So who’s the kid?” John asked calmly, a slight chuckle in his voice. 

Dean nearly leaps through the roof when he hears his father’s voice. He’d been so involved in his thoughts and listening to the drowning blare of classic rock music booming from the radio speakers that he hadn’t been aware of the mans entrance. 

“Damnit Dad! I told you to stop sneaking up on me like that!” Dean exclaims. “No one. It’s nothing.” 

“Really? Nothing huh? Well I got a phone call from the school about your nothing. A 63 in algebra, Dean? C’mon son, we all know you’re much more intelligent then that. What are you doing?” John pushes off the wall and straightens up while looking at Dean skeptically. 

“Nothing. I swear.” 

“Yeah, damn right you’re doing nothing. As in no homework and no effort.” 

“Sorry Dad. I just really don’t see the point in trying. We’ve already discussed that I am going into the Army so I guess I just don’t care enough to pass school. I already passed the ASFAB so… graduating isn’t necessary.” 

John gives Dean a look that clearly read ‘you’re an idiot’. “Actually, son, graduating /is/ necessary regardless of whether you go into the army or not.” 

Dean gives a dejected sigh and closes his eyes, shaking his head a little. “It’s just math, it’s not like I’m failing every subject and it’s not even that bad of a grade, just a few points off from passing. You’ve never expected me to be a straight A student before…” 

“I don’t care if it’s A’s or not, I just want you passing and doing your best, and I know damn well that a 63 is not any where close to your best. Proof of that being the perfect 100 you had in math in ninth grade. What happened, Dean?” 

“Seriously, dad. Nothing happened. Except I realized that I will never use any of that shit in real life.” Dean says and drops down into the seat of the car he was working on. His green eyes stare out at the open garage door. 

“Do I gotta give you a big parental lecture about your future?” John asks with a wince and leans against the frame of the car in front of Dean. 

Dean blanches. “Oh please no. That’s moms job.” 

“Well it’s not like you listen to her anyways!” John laughs and looks down at him. “We love you Dean. We only want to see you do well. And set an example for Sam.” he smiles. 

“Don’t ever let Sammy go into the army, Dad. Please, don’t let him follow my footsteps.” Dean pleads, always concerned for his younger brother. 

“I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that. Sam is already taking advanced high school classes and he’s only in junior high. I’m fairly certain he’s Ivy League college bound.” John mumbles with obvious pride in his voice and face. 

Dean felt a little jealous. His dad would never talk about him with the pride that he put into Sammy. ‘Not that I ever do anything to deserve the pride anyway.’ he grumbles and shakes his head. “So what are we doing for dinner tonight?” he asks randomly, trying to end the conversation. 

“Bobby’s grillin’ burgers.” John says simply.

“Awesome.” Dean grins. His not Uncle made the best burgers ever and Dean would swear on that all the way to his grave. 

“So tomorrow, what time can I expect you to be home?” John asks, realizing what Dean was trying to do. 

“Sometime around five.” Dean groans and tosses his head back, letting it thump off the headrest. 

“Okay. If I find out you skip out on your tutoring and go elsewhere you will be in so much trouble.” John threatens playfully. 

“Okay mom. Whatever you say.”

“Hey now, let’s not get into this.” John smiles and pats Dean’s thigh as he pushes away from the car and walks back towards the house. 

Dean was grateful he and his dad got along so well. He knew he could talk to him about anything and his dad always understood him. His dad was always a strong pillar of support for him and he always would be. 

Dean gets out of the car and drops back to the floor, worming his way under the vehicle to hopefully finish it before dinner. 

His greasy hands skillfully work the pieces of the car he’s messed up earlier back into the correct place, occasionally completely removing something and replacing it or cleaning it off with a now black with oil rag. 

Dean finds himself lapsing into auto-pilot with the all too familiar movements of fixing the car. But with that confidence came the mindspace to day dream. 

The first thing that popped into his mind was the pale skinny boy with raven black hair and stunning blue eyes that always looked terrified of everything. ‘Damnit, he needs to stay out of my head! Weird little faggot.’ Dean shakes his head to throw the image off but it wouldn’t go away. Castiel was stuck on him. 

‘I wonder why he always looks like that? There’s no way he’s just /that/ nervous. Kid looks like he’s beat to death everyday. Hm.’ Dean eventually gives up trying to forget it and instead starts to really focus in on thinking about it. 

‘Oh my god. I think he’s abused.’


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes. That took a while. Sorry guys. My only excuse it that my bass has ruled my life the past few months. Damn. This chapter's the longest so far I think so.... Yay?   
> I wanna thank everyone who has made a comment or left a Kudo on this fic, whenever an announcer message pops up in my email saying that, I always jumped up and wrote a little of this chapter. You guys are freakin awesome. Thank you so much. I truly appreciate it. So anyways.. Here's some more pain to go along with that horribly painful season finale. I might make a little one shot about that later if I find the incentive or real desire. I dunno. Let me know if you guys want it I guess?

When Castiel woke up the next morning, he was cold, miserable and quite frankly just generally grouchy. The blanket he had so carefully wrapped himself in last night was now laying on the floor, a product of him squirming around as nightmares plague every moment of sleep for him. The teen could not honestly remember the last time he had gotten a full, good nights sleep. 

He also was dreading the day more then usual because after the normal day of being surrounded by bullies, he had signed himself up for a whole extra two hours of one on one time with one of the biggest dicks of all, Dean Winchester. 'Do I get a round of applause for being so stupid? I feel like I should at this point.' Cas grumbles to himself and sits up, running his lanky fingers through his soft hair. He glances quickly out his tiny window at glares at the soft sunlight. It was such a peaceful sight, and it was easy to deceive himself into believing it might actually be a nice day with sunlight that soft and warm. What a silly fantasy. 'A few more minuets of quiet. Please, it's all I ask now.' He knew it was worthless to even wish for something like that. He had to get a move on now or he would never make it to school. 'Is that an option?' 

Castiel throws his feet off the side of the bed and paws through the box of his clothes, pulling a plain black long sleeved tee out along with skinny fitting black jeans that he knew made him look at least semi attractive even though he really couldn't have given two damns what anyone thought of his looks. He had really given up on that a long, /long/ time ago. If he had ever cared to begin with. 

The scrawny teen pulls on his clothes and winces a little when he pulls too hard on his sore ribs putting his shirt on. He had stopped looking at the bruises now, knowing they only got worse every time. He knew they were there, he didn't need a visual reminder too. 'And yet you think about them everyday, why?' He lets his soft fingertips drag over the off colored skin. He could already taste the day when he would be away from this. When he would be able to wake up in the morning and not see bruises. When he could wear short sleeves, and swimsuits at the beach down the road from his planned dorm if he makes it into Stanford. 

The scars of his razor would be there forever but he could picture himself not caring. Letting the past go and not caring who sees. Maybe even wearing the marks with pride. But not now. Now they were nothing but marks of shame. And he didn't want anyone's pity. He wanted to let people see his scars when he was better, kinda as a way of 'look what I overcame'. But that goal was so far away still. He only hoped he would reach it eventually. 

He hears either Michael or his dad banging around in the kitchen and he murmurs a few violent curses. 'Wonder what the klutzy asshole did now.' He gripes mentally a little, wishing that it was something serious like whoever it was cut his finger off preparing a breakfast that Cas was never permitted to have any of. 

Over time Cas has learned that it didn't matter what time of day it was. If his family saw him, they were going to beat on him. Even if it was as he was trying to get out the door to go to class. Which meant that getting out always had to be done in the most quiet and unnoticeable fashion possible. Or in cases like this, when he wakes up too late and they're already up, the most secretive. 

He looks at his window in displeasure and slides the creaky shutter open, hoping they didn't hear. He slings his ratty, torn bag over his shoulders and jumps, landing softly in the slightly overgrown backyard. He was grateful for the soft, sweet smelling grass to land in. Cas was quite experienced in the illusive art of escaping via window. His father assumed that he was far to brittle to survive the drop so he never even tried to block it off. 'What a dumbass. He's broken my bones before and I've barely cried. Does he really think a seven foot drop is going to kill me?' He readjusts his bag strap and speed walks in the direction of the school. 

He wanted to take his time, breathe in the fresh almost summer air. The sun was already warmly shining its rays and melting on Cas's skin. 'This summer is going to be different. Really different.' Different as in packing for college and getting ready to leave every bit of this horrible agony deep in the dark days of the past. 

Cas was ready. Beyond so actually. He had gotten quite a few promising letters of acceptance but none from any schools that were far enough away from his Chicago hell hole home. None that were from anywhere warm enough. 

Warmth. It was a feeling that Castiel desperately craved but would hardly allow himself to feel until it was over. 'You can comfort yourself once you're officially out. Maybe move to California. If only Stanford accepts me.' He sighs wistfully and picks up the pace a little on his walk to get to the school. A glance at the number on the side of a passing school bus confirmed his worst fears; that he had actually overslept and was not going to make it on time. "Oh come on." He gripes and starts to jog a little. 

"Need that ride now?" A light, teasing-but-not-in-a-bad-way voice calls from the shiny black car that Cas hasn't even realized had pulled up and was driving beside him, practically ridding the edge of the sidewalk. 

"You know it's illegal to drive on the sidewalk, correct?" Cas says in a deadbeat tone trying hard to not even give him the satisfaction of looking at him. 

Dean snorts and gives one of his signature, ever-so-charming 'do I look like I care' smirks. "You want the ride or not buddy boy? It's '03 now. You sure as he'll ain't gonna make it by '10 walking." 

"8:03? Already? Crap. Yeah, you know what, I think I'll take that ride." Cas says with defeat. 

Dean, who was expecting the goth teen to reply with something more along the lines of "I'd rather have my eyeballs eaten by a snake" or something morbid like that, slams on the brakes to stop the car. "Get in then." 

Cas was horrified at himself that he was doing it but he jogs around the car and throws open the passenger side door, sliding into the soft leather seats. 'Theres not enough space on my arm to cut as much as I want to right now. Actually, no amount of cutting in general is going to make this any better. What the /hell/ am I DOING?!' 

He makes sure to look anywhere except at Dean, mostly gazing out of the window as Dean speeds the Impala to the school. "You know you could at least thank me?" Dean says with a slightly annoyed tone, pulling Castiel out of his panic attack esque thoughts. 

"I- yeah. Thanks. Thank you. A lot." He mumbles nervously. He would have that razor buried into his wrist clear to the bone right now if he wasn't concerned with pissing Dean off by bleeding all over his nice car seats. He had a feeling the older teen would probably kill him right on the spot in the slowest, most painful way he could think of. And just for the hell of it he would probably resurrect him just to do it all over again. 

Dean looks over and saw Cas squirming and he frowns. "Dude would you just relax already? I'm not going to kill you or anything. I'm kinda counting on you to graduate right now." 

Castiel looks up at him in shock, his panic not decreasing any. "R-really? I was h-hoping we could just go to the library, stay at opposite ends from each other and have no involvement whatsoever with the other." 'Damn you nervous stutter.' 

Cas didn't miss how Deans face seemed to fall a little at Cas's mention of how little he wanted to be near him. "Well I mean if you really would rather do that then I guess we could but.... I dunno man. I was at least planning on making it into the army." 

"That's your greatest ambition in life? Just making it?" 

"Well what's yours smart ass?" 

"I'm hoping to be accepted into Stanford for psychology with a minor in mythology." He didn't say it in a boasting way, just simple and informative. He didn't care what Dean thought of his life choices. 

"Mythology? That's actually kinda cool. My little bro's really into that. You two would probably get along great, being the geeky little twinks you are." Again with that friendly bickering type voice. Cas was amazed that Dean hadn't used some rude statement like "mental kid going for psychology? How funny". He couldn't help but wonder what had suddenly gotten into Dean that was making him not be the horrible person he usually was. 

As Cas debated being brave and bringing it up, Dean pulls into the parking lot and stops in front of the school. "I know you care about making it in there on time so you can just get out now instead of riding with me while I try to find a parking space in this car purgatory. Run and you will make it to home room on time." He encourages. 

Cas was already gathering the straps of his backpack into his hand and flinging the door open. "T-thank you again Dean. I'll s-see you after school." He clambers unsteadily out of the car and jogs up the walkway into the large brick building that was becoming more and more like a prison the closer Cas got to graduation. He studiously ignored the stunned looks everyone was giving him. He knew their thoughts without even having to look. 'Was that the queer goth kid that just got out of Dean Winchester's car? No way, that can't have been real.' Or things along those lines. 

Castiel slides into his seat in first period with seconds to spare with a relieved sigh. He knew he would have to properly thank Dean without looking like a cornered animal. Without his help, he would not have made it on time. 'Hm. Never thought I would be thanking him for anything.' 

Castiel makes it about halfway through first period before that familiar, burning itch starts on his wrist. 'As soon as high school is over, I'm going to stop this.' He thinks miserably as he gets up and signs out to go to the bathroom. 

Cas creeps down the hallway, as if someone was going to jump out from behind the water fountain and attack him even though he knew that was ridiculous. He still didn't want anyone to see him like this, so weak and uncontrolled. He ducks into the bathroom and chooses the stall furthest away from the entrance. 

Using the tip of his index finger, he fishes his razor out of his pocket. He stares at the tiny blade for a little while, silently wondering when things had ever become this bad. That razor represented everything shitty, just cutting Cas right in the vein, he realized. 

He closes his eyes and presses the blade into his left wrist, making a straight, perfect cut. A little breath of air hisses out from between his lips and he makes a tiny sound of pain in the back of his throat. It didn't feel as good today as it usually did. 

He presses in a little deeper and feels the sharp pain increase more and more. It finally started to feel good. Until the door to the bathroom opened and in walked heavy work boots that Cas knew the owner of without looking any further. 'Shit!' He wasn't sure why it was suddenly such a big deal but he didn't want Dean to see him like this for some reason. 

Thinking in utter panic mode, Cas quietly climbs so he was crouched on top of the toilet, making sure his feet were up off the floor. He only hoped that Dean hadn't seen. No luck. 

"Hello? Who's in here? Dude, if you're snorting crack or something, I ain't gonna tell on ya. You don't gotta try and hide. I already saw ya." Dean calls gently, his voice holding the edge of a chuckle. 

'Fuck shit fuck shit fuck SHIT. Now what?' Cas jumps down and quickly wipes the blood away with toilet paper, thanking god that he had only gotten one slice in so there wasn't much clean up required. He cleans the razor quickly too and shoves it in his pocket. That was the easy part. He opens the stall door and slips through, standing nervously in front of Dean. "Hi Dean." 

"Castiel? What were you doing? I thought you were a good student, I never expected you to be getting stoned in the middle of class." 

"I don't do drugs, don't worry. I just needed a minuet alone." He shrugs and plays with the cuff of his long sleeve shirt, grateful that he wore it today despite the warming weather. 

"So that's why you climbed on top of the shitter?" 

"No. I did that because I am a mentally fucked up individual. I have to get back to class. Goodbye Dean." He dismisses the conversation and pushes past the other teen, exiting the bathroom and speed walking back to class, his earlier hallway caution forgotten. That had been way, way, way too close. 

Castiel drops into his seat and was ignored studiously by all the other students as per routine. He had the vague feeling that a few of them actually knew what he was doing on his extensive trips to the restroom but none of them cared enough to even try to offer support of comfort. Not that Cas cared or wanted their sympathy. 

He lays his head on the desk and half pays attention to the still talking teacher. The cut on his arm was still stinging due to not being properly cared for and he figured it probably was still bleeding. And yet the only thought on his mind was that Dean had almost seen him cutting and now he probably thought Cas was on drugs. That couldn't suck any worse.   
___---------________--------------___--------______------

 

Dean still stands in the middle of the bathroom, his eyebrow furrowed in pure confusion. He wasn't entirely sure what had just happened. But he did know that Castiel had looked like a ghost, more pale then usual and his big blue eyes had been blown wide in fear and what was pretty obviously pain. 

It hadn't escaped his notice that his math tutor had been anxiously playing with the cuff of his sleeve but had still been obviously taking great amounts of care to keep from showing any of the skin on his wrist, like he was hiding something there. 'Probably the injection sight of heroin or whatever the fuck that nerd is doing. No, he said he doesn't do drugs, I have to try and believe him.' Dean didn't know why he wanted to believe him so bad, or why he felt like he even had to. He knew Cas being his tutor really had nothing to do with it, although he wasn't completely lying when he'd told Cas about wanting to at least try and pass the finals. 'When did he become 'Cas' to me?' 

Dean became aware of the fact that he probably looked like a creep just standing in the bathroom thinking this whole even through so with a sodden nod to himself he returns to class, making up his mind that he was going to ask Cas about this whole thing after school whether the dark haired boy wanted to talk to him or not. 

\----------____________------------------•

 

The rest of the day was rather uneventful for both teens. Cas must have taken extra care to avoid Dean because the blonde haired boy saw no trace of him in the halls like he usually did. Not even at his locker. He wasn't sure why that made him sad but he kinda of realized he missed the little guy. 

Dean was seriously beginning to wonder what was up with Castiel. The kid was so strange, always dressed in black, always wears long sleeves even when it's ninety plus degrees out, hair is a shaggy black mess.... But yet he seemed to be one of the most intelligent students in the entire school, he was very polite and respectful to all the adults and he claims he doesn't do drugs although Dean was slightly doubtful of that, particularly since the bathroom incident. 

He obviously was having some home issues, like Deans earlier theory of abuse, so he figured the kid was probably depressed...which meant he probably self harmed. 'Oh. OH. Not doing drugs, cutting! Son of a bitch how did I not figure it out before. Castiel was cutting himself in the bathroom and you accused him of being a pot-head. My god you're such a wonderful person Winchester. You deserve a motherfucking medal. Shit I need to apologize to Cas now!' 

Dean throws his text books into his locker and slams it shut, fully intending on skipping his next class until he found Castiel. He had a pretty strong feeling he wasn't in his class either so Dean starts to prowl around the hallways. He checks in every bathroom, making sure to keep his voice friendly and soothing when calling for him. 'Why are you even bothering? You know he's not going to want to talk to you. He's pissed and hurt and you know it!' 

Dean grows slightly frustrated after he checks all the bathrooms in the school and came up short of finding Castiel every time. The teen seemed to have vanished and Dean could only hope that he hadn't decided to ditch the rest of the day, especially since Dean needed to talk to him now after school. Screw math, it could take the fiery highway to hell for all Dean cared. He was going to use the tutor time as a long needed excuse to talk to Castiel and get to know the little goth punk that was so horribly mistreated in school. 

And nothing was going to get in his way this time. Particularly not Deans own emotional mental block. He was done letting that ruin his social atmosphere. He just hoped Cas would see that he has changed and that he only wants to help him. 'Fat chance of that happening. You nearly hospitalized him many times. You think he's gonna just throw himself into your arms and let you sweep him off his feet? Wake up!' Dean scolds himself to attempt to bring his head back to reality. 

Dean knew he was making this sound way too simple in his head. First there was the problem of Cas even showing up for tonight, which wasn't seeming likely at this point, and even if he does show up there's still the fact that he straight up said he had no desire whatsoever to even be within the same room as Dean, much less at the same table so Dean could talk to him about private stuff like he needed to ask and then there was also the famous Winchester emotion wall that made communicating feelings of affection next to impossible for the sandy haired boy. 'Ew this just got really screwed up. Why can't it ever be easy?' 

 

Dean sees a scrawny, hunched over form limping down the hall towards him. He knew it was Cas for sure. 'Thank god he's okay.' "Cas! Hey, Cas you okay? Where were you?" He calls and comes towards him, hand raised in the air as if Cas wasn't going to notice him yelling without the physical gesture. 

Cas looks up and despair immediately fills his expressive blue eyes, like seeing Dean had just made his day worse. Dean also immediately noticed the already very noticeable shiner. "Someone got you good, eh Cas?" 

Cas narrows his eyes and sees with frustration that there was clearly no way he could escape Dean. "I was in the nurses." He says grudgingly. "Your favorite wannabe Alistair got a hold of me. I'm surprised he hasn't already bragged it up to you. It was, as he said, an epic beat down."

'God, Alistair. What a prick. I'm not surprised at all.' "Sorry about him. If it helps, I didn't tell him to beat on you." Dean really couldn't think of anything better to say to him. 

Cas's expression didn't change at all so if his emotions did, he was real good at hiding it. "Cas I- I'm sorry. I-" 

"Dean please just... Just don't. I don't want to hear anyone's empty apologies. I don't care. I will help you pass your class as best I can and then I will be moving on to college and never seeing you again. That is the end of it." 

"Jesus Christ kid, I'm not asking you to marry me or go down the same stupid road I am! I just want you to know that I know I fucked up and I feel bad! I'm done being a jerk Cas." 

"You can say that all you want while it's just us, but I know as soon as push comes to shove and you're surrounded by a group of your snot nosed friends, you'll be shoving me down a stairwell or slamming me into the lockers." 

"How much do you wanna bet on that?" 

"Every little thing I have." He nearly growls. 

Deans eyebrows raise. Did Cas really have that little faith in him? "Ok. Be prepared to loose everything then." 

Cas snorts. "I've already lost everything. This bet will be no different. I'll see you tonight Dean." Cas walks off down the hallway, eyes stuck on the floor, wondering why the world would be cruel enough to let the one of the biggest jerks ever also be unbearably handsome.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr at 
> 
> Wiccanwolf17

Cas ditched the rest of his classes but was lurking silently around the library after school like he promised he would. If Dean really wanted to try and at least pull off a B then who was Cas to deny him that? 'Who knows. Maybe he really does suddenly care about passing math. It's logical for him to realize his desire after being set up with the help he needs. But I still doubt it.' 

Cas sat in the fiction section on the rough carpet, his back supported by the massive self as he buries his nose deep in a book, waiting for his charge to show. He somehow had a feeling that Dean was going to come, whether it was for educational purposes as he claimed or else wise. 

Cas's eyes dance across the page, taking in every word and reveling in it. He could relate to the main character. Her life sucked too. But he knew how the girls story would end. She would find a guy who would pull her into his arms and kiss all the pain away and make her life better. Cas knew that would never happen to him. He would never find a guy willing to hold him above all the agony he practically was already drowned in. 

Just as Castiel starts to think about his life as a fairy tale would be, a face pops around the corner of the shelf. "Miss Kook said you'd be around here if you were here at all. Thank you for showing up." Dean says hurriedly. He seemed... Different. Less cool and collected, more edgy.

"Yeah. Don't mention it. I'm just buying my scholarship through a little extra suffering on the already heaping mountain of shit I deal with daily." He says dryly and gently slides the book back onto the shelf. He's already read it many times and didn't need to check it out again. 

As he gets up to his feet, Castiel notices Dean's eyes watching him closely. He gives him a very nasty look in return. "What? If you're going to ask me for some of my pot, you're going to be sorely surprised to find that I do not smoke anything." His scowl was a special kind of look that he reserved purely for the most annoying parts of life. 

Dean immediately shakes his head, advertise his gaze after being caught staring. "No. No, I believe you." 

"Oh do you really? Or are you just saying that before I end up getting called to the office tomorrow morning and being suspended for allegedly doing weed on school grounds?" He sasses Dean, putting a hand on his now jutted out hip. 

Dean had to fight to not smile and 'aww' at how adorably pissed off Cas seemed to be. But he knew for one this was far to serious of a moment to laugh and two, Castiel would probably knock his head clear off if he said anything about it. "I'm serious. I'm not going to report you. You seem like the type of person who just needs to get away every now and then. I'm kinda surprised your teachers haven't wigged out about you skipping class like that but..."

"When you're a straight A student who shows more intellect in the few times you're there then the whole rest of the class that's always there, they don't mind as much. They all know I'm going to do well wether I'm there for the actual lesson or not." He dead pans. He wasn't trying to brag, just simply stating a fact. He knew he was smart and the school staff knew it to. 

Dean wasn't honestly too surprised. What else could he have expected? 'They assigned him as my tutor. Of course he's not stupid.' 

Castiel grabs his back pack off the floor from where he had set it and moves to one of the private desks near the back corner of the library. Hardly anyone ever used this corner and that was exactly why he liked it. He had at first strongly debated with even allowing Dean to come back here with him but he knew he personally would just feel more comfortable and with the situation being the way it was, he figured he owed himself at least a small security blanket. 'Plus no one will see the blood back here if anything goes wrong tonight.' 

"Heh, I wasn't even aware this part of the library existed!" Dean says in a chirpy, kind of stupid voice. 

Castiel wasn't sure if he was being serious or was trying to get a remark out of him so he just rolls his eyes and sits in his favorite chair, pulling his heavy text book out of his back pack. 'He is acting so strange today.' "Alright failure. Let's get some studying into that thick head of yours." 

Castiel tenses up and waits for the punch or slap that normally would have followed a remark like that but to his surprise, nothing came. In fact, Dean actually makes a hurt face followed by a dopey smile. "Hey! That's not very nice!" 'Something is definitely wrong with him. Normally I'd be trying to reattach my teeth to my jaw after saying that.' 

"Do you have a notebook?" Castiel asks, deciding to not question it yet and just act normal. 

"Yeah. Miraculously, I do." He pulls out a standard red notebook and tosses it on the table. 

Castiel nods and then looks Dean right in the eye with a serious, stony face. "Whether you're religious or not, for the next few weeks this notebook and all we put inside it is going to be your bible. Without it, you can kiss your chances of passing High School goodbye. What we do here is not going to be enough, so you're going to have to do some work by yourself at home. Every night I will give you a certain part of the textbook to look over, you will read it, make notes and do the practice problems. Give it to me before first period in the morning and I will look over it during the day and return it to you here so you can put it in your notebook to study further. I can only do so much for you, Dean. The rest is going to be up to you. You get out of this what you put into it." Castiel wasn't sure where the whole authoritative speech came from but he was even more surprised that Dean hadn't torn him down for using that bold tone with him. 'He must be sick. Or maybe he's dying. Maybe it's brain cancer. One could only hope.' 

Dean was nodding at the end of Cas's little spiel, seeming to have taken his words to heart. "Okay, I've got it." 

"Do you?" He questions with raised eyebrows. 

"Yeah sure. Notebook, bible, study, homework... That's the jist of it, right?" 

Cas opens his mouth to argue and then sighs. "Yeah. Yeah that's it. Let's just get to work." He flops the textbook open and starts writing things in the notebook, stopping after writing something important to explain it to Dean in a way so much better then any teacher ever has. Cas made sure he understood every little part of a problem before moving on and worked through parts he didn't understand until he got it. 

Castiel was also amazed to find that Dean was actually really, really smart. He wasn't sure why he did so bad in class other then maybe he just was trying to act dumb for his friends sake. Dean had caught onto everything almost immediately and didn't even seem to need Cas's help on a lot of things. It was a little unnerving for Castiel, to say the very least. "You know Dean, I'm not sure I understand you." He says after a few minuets of Dean working silently on a problem. 

Deans green eyes look up and he tilts his head a little in plain confusion. "What?" 

"I brought a first aid kit with me tonight because I had figured this would end with me being nothing but a bloody lump on the floor, especially after the way I talked to you when we first got here and now you turn out to actually have a brain in your head instead of the rocks and sand I had always figured... I don't know. I'm just a little thrown off I guess." 

"Because I'm smart?" He says with a quirky smile. 

"Because you're... Nice? And smart? I don't know. You just surprise me." Cas shrugs one shoulder and looks at the wooden table, tracing the patterns in the wood with his eyes as opposed to staring into Deans too bright green hues. 

"You say that almost like its a bad thing." That was paired with a head tilt and a confused look. 

"It's not. It's just different. I don't get thrown off easily. I can typically read people very well. Consider it one of my many talents."

"Who knew you had a smart ass side, Novak. And I think maybe the reason you never really read me right was because you never gave me a chance." That was the wrong thing to say. 

"Never gave you a chance?! Are you fucking kidding with me? NEVER GAVE YOU A CHANCE?!?! You made it a fucking sport to beat the shit out of me on a daily basis and you say I never gave /you/ a chance? You never gave /me/ one! Maybe things could have been different, we could have been friends but you were such a pathetic son of a bitch who probably got off on hurting poor little goth Castiel that you never stopped for a goddamn moment to even think about what you were doing! Tutor yourself for the remaining hour. I'm done." That rage fit was one of the most unexpected things Castiel has ever done. He never saw it coming, even from himself. He had never realized how much Dean had really hurt him. Not just physically but emotionally too. He /liked/ Dean. Too much. And all that time Dean had spent hating him has worn his already frail emotions down to absolutely nothing so when Dean tried to accuse him of not giving him a chance it snapped something so deep in Castiel he didn't even know it existed. Another surprise for the day. 

Dean was just as surprised by the outburst as Castiel was, and he seemed a little scared of him now. "I- I'm sorry." 

"You're not. You don't care. And I don't care that you don't care. It doesn't matter to me whether you give a shit about me or not." He grabs his bag and stands, storming miserably away from the table. 

He somehow managed to hold his tears back until he got out of the library and far away from Dean.  
\--------------------------------------------

Dean felt horrible. He heard Cas's words but more importantly he saw the contradicting pain behind his eyes and knew that he wasn't being honest about not caring. Whether Cas felt anything for him or not didn't matter much right now, but what did matter was that Cas was hurting. Undeniably he was in much more pain then Dean had ever thought. 

Just from that hour with him he saw so much pain within the teen, no matter how hard he tried to not openly express it. Everyone knew Castiel was goth. They knew he was weird and different and he had the look of someone who was pretty deeply depressed. But no one knew the true extent of it. Dean was fairly certain he was correct about Cas being abused at home, which of course made him feel that much worse about hurting him in the past. It made him feel almost protective over the boy, as ridiculous as that seemed. 

His Mom and Dad didn't raise a monster. 

Dean sets his mind to it that he would A) Pass that math final with the best score of the whole class and B) would make sure Castiel Novak knows how sorry he is and learns that there is someone out there who cares about him. 

With a tiny grin in place, Dean buries his nose into the text book and does as Cas told him to, reading everything, writing down notes and doing all the practice problems. When the librarian finally kicked him out of the closing building, Dean felt more confident in both his plans. Well... The math part anyway.

\------------------------------

Dean walks slowly to the Impala, which was one of the only cars left in the parking lot. He realized that he should have offered Cas a ride but... There's always next time. 

He had his head down at wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings, until he hears the raspy voice behind him. "Hello Dean." 

Dean jumps a little and looks up. "Oh! Hello Alistair." He says with a nervous chuckle. His friend was easily one of the creepiest human beings he has ever met, and really the only reason he even put up with him was because he was scared of the older teen and would rather be on his good side then bad. He's seen what happens to his enemy's and it never was pretty. Castiel was a good example of that. 

Alistair always seemed to have a snarky, evil look on his face, even when he was 'peaceful'. Maybe that was half of his issue. "So... How bloody did you make the little faggot be tonight? I tried to look in but you two ended up in the back corner where I couldn't see from the window." He snarls. Or at least it seemed like he did, although that was just his normal excited voice. 

"Not at all. Alistair... I can't do this anymore. Hurting him..... It's so wrong. Castiel is.. He's in enough pain." He doesn't know why the hell he just confessed that but he couldn't have known it was one of the worst things he ever could have said to the sadistic, jail bound boy. 

"Wait- what? You had perfect one on one time with it and you... You didn't hurt it? At all? Not even a punch or kick under the table?" Alistair's jaw drops with an incredulous look. 

"No, I didn't. And he's not an 'it'. Cas is a /human/ you know." The defensive tone he had taken didn't help his case at all. 

"Winchester! Do you hear yourself?! You're siding with that goth little whore!" 

"Whore? Oh my god Alistiar please spare me. He's not a whore. I bet he's a virgin anyway." Dean blushes saying that but again, he had to defend Cas. 

Alistiar's fists clench tight at his side. "I can't believe this. What type of drug are you smoking?" 

"Nothing. I just realize there's nothing to gain from hurting him and he's hurt enough as it is. What we do to him is just unfair. He's too... I don't know. I can't let him hurt anymore. He's not deserving of this. I'll be lucky if he ever forgives me." Dean was stuttering a little and couldn't seem to form a proper sentence but this was a little hard for him. He was scared Alistiar was going to punch his tooth out. And the other teen was doing nothing to prove his predictions wrong. 

Alistiar looked ready to swing at him so Dean shuffles his feet together a little and gets ready to duck. But to his surprise, Alistair just let's his hands unclench and he shakes his head, a twisted little smile pulling at the one corner of his mouth. "Okay. Just remember Winchester, you made your choice. Tell me whenever you get your head out of your ass and decide to change your mind. Maybe when you're not high or drunk or whatever you are." He starts to back away slowly. "You have a nice night Dean. And don't forget that I warned you. I'll give you tomorrow to change this horrible decision around but after that, I won't be as easy about it." 

"Alistiar, you need to wake the fuck up yourself. We are graduating in a few weeks. I really don't care what you say right now. I'm done being a dick to someone innocent like Castiel. I just wish you could see that what you're doing is wrong. I hope you find some other way to feel good about yourself other then making people feel bad about themselves!" Dean barks and throws his car door open, climbing into the vehicle and starting it violently, peeling out of the parking lot and driving home quickly. 

What he didn't notice in the rear view mirror was the face of the devil staring at the back of his head. What he didn't know was how sharp of a downturn his life would take as well. 

\-------------------------

The next day didn't see Castiel in a much better mood. He was still a little pissed off and thrown off by yesterday's experience with Dean. He was so confused. And quite frankly he was nervous that Dean was secretly planning the ultimate beat downs of all beat downs for him at the end of the year. 

'Maybe he should. I'll give it right back to him. Make him feel it a little.' Cas nods happily and then quickly shakes his head. 'No no. You can't go there. No violence Castiel. You can't be like them. You won't be.' He shutters at the mere thought of being like his tragic family. 'Never.' 

He creeps out the front window and drops onto the ground below, silently starting his trek to school. Same as last time, that shiny black car pulls up to the curb beside him. "Hop in?" 

"No thank you. I do not need your fake kindness." Castiel says bluntly and pulls his black hood up over his head, giving Dean the official, international signal of go the fuck away. 

"Fake? Who said anything about it being fake? Come on Castiel, can't you see I'm trying?" 

"Trying for what exactly, Dean? Trying to gain my trust so you can kill me later?"

"What? No! Why the hell would I do that?!" Dean looked honestly shocked that Cas would even suggest that he would kill him.

"Don't play angel, Dean. I know better. I know you will set me up somehow. Even if you don't kill me yourself, I'm sure that if I die before high school is out, you will have some hand in it one way or another." Cas seemed way to at ease speaking about his own death. 

Dean pulls the car right up onto the curb in front of him. "Just get in the car." 

Castiel very calmly and fluidly steps around the front hood of the car and continues walking at an unbroken pace. Dean backs frantically into the street and continues driving beside Cas. "Please?" 

"You're going to either crash or get arrested." 

"And it'll all be your fault, won't it?" Dean was getting too at ease playfully bantering with Castiel, which was exactly what the other teen did not want. 

"I somehow think I will get over it." 'What?!? That was a response! You fell right into it and gave him a response! He's smiling! Shit!!!!' 

Sure enough, a little smile now pulls up the corners of Deans lips. "Aw don't say that Cas. I'm sure you would miss your pain in the ass student." 

"I wouldn't be so sure, Winchester but if it makes you feel better to think so then you go right on ahead." 'Already in the hole. Might as well just keep digging.' 

"Well see, now I know you secretly love me. That was not a total denial!" 

Cas sticks up his middle finger at the car. "Is this a plain enough rejection for you?" 

"Nah. That's a mighty nice invitation." 

Castiel feels blood heat his face up twenty degrees more, turning his cheeks an undeniable shade of red. He drops his finger quickly and shoves his hand deep into his hoodie pocket. 

Dean chuckles. "Come on Cas. I'm not going to hurt you." Deans voice was soft, gentle and pleading. A tone no one has ever used on Cas. 

Cas keeps his eyes on the sidewalk, knowing that if he looked up into Deans eyes, his already fractured will would shatter. "I would like to walk Dean. Thank you though. I will see you in the school." He dismisses him for the final time. He uses trained selective hearing to tune out any more attempts Dean made. 

Eventually he was staring at the taillights of the Impala. Somehow that made him sad, like Dean was leaving him for good. 'Why do you care? That's a good thing. He should leave and you should want it! And besides, you're being stupid. You're going to see him in under ten minuets.' Castiel didn't know why he cared so much but he really wanted to wave Dean back and just walk beside him again, playful banter or not. Just the soothing company was enough. 

He ducks his head down and stares at the sidewalk the rest of the way to school, trying hard to not think about Dean. It wasn't easy but he managed somehow to push the blonde haired green eyed teen out of his mind temporarily. At least until he got to the school and saw that gorgeous black car sitting in the parking lot. Then all thoughts about him came rushing back, attacking him and gnawing on his mind. 

He tightens his fist in his pocket and goes into the school, somehow knowing that he would have a visitor at his locker. 

\-----------------------------

True to his prediction, the taller boy was leaning against the metal lockers, looking bored and maybe a little annoyed....until he saw Cas. Then he straightened up, smiled bright as the sun and waved to him. "Hey Cas. How was your walk?"

"It was just lovely thank you." 'Or would have been if /you/ weren't so stuck in my head.' He opens his locker, arm brushing against Deans for a second. That tiny bit of contact was enough to make him shiver a little. Deans fingers had nearly brushed right over one of the newest scars. 

He jerks back immediately and shakes his head. "Sorry." He was sure Dean had taken notice to his little panic attack. 

Dean just shakes his head and looks at him with... Sadness? Regret? "It's okay. I.. I get it." 

Cas clenches his fist so tight his fingernails cut into his pale palm. "No. You don't. You don't know anything about me and you really shouldn't." He slams his locker shut and backs away from him a little. "Just leave me alone, Dean. I'll see you after school." 

His wrist starts to itch horribly with the urge to cut. He wanted to be normal now. He wanted to be able to flirt with Dean, to go to school in the morning with him and kiss him at the lockers between classes. He wanted to hold his hand in the hallway and go to his house to sleep. He wanted it all so bad but knew he could never have it. Not with the way his life was. 

He wanted to go get the metal into his skin right then but he makes himself wait till the start of first period so there would be less crowd in the bathroom. A little patients went a long way in avoiding a terrible scene with anyone else. 

Castiel still remembered the first time he had made that mistake. 

[ He sat on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from his sliced wrists, coating the grey tile floor with red. His head was tucked between his knees, tears streaming down his face. He was only in seventh grade. Castiel didn't know what had happened to him. This was the first time he had ever cut in school, and he was scared; but not scared enough to be smart about it. The teacher hadn't known what he was doing. How their topic of class discussion had affected him so deeply. But something about the way Richard Wright had killed that cat in Black Boy had reminded him far too much of the way his life was. The hate and abuse he suffered was so similar to Castiels pain and yet no where close to being the same. At least Richards father wasn't a physco murderer who was going to try and kill him when he felt he had killed enough animals to feel confident. Cutting felt good. And Castiel needed to feel good. He always brought his razor along just in case, though he has never used it here before today. 

He lays down on his side and cries loudly, a sob racking his body. It all hurt so bad. Of course he hadn't planned on his cries bringing in any attention but that what it did. A passing student overheard that and runs in, hoping to see fight going on... And instead walks in on a crying. Shaking mess on the floor.   
Alistair had smiled the biggest, most evil grin ever and came over to Castiel, stepping right on his bleeding arm, making Castiel scream louder in agony and try to fight him off. "we have a self harmer here, hm? Well that's just nice. We don't need your faggot, depressed ass around here though." He drops to his knees beside Castiel. "You should just cut a little deeper." He whispers into his ear. "Just kill yourself now. It's never going to get any better, you know that." He strokes a hand through Castiel's hair in a would be comforting gesture until he grabbed the back of his head and smashed Castiel's face into the floor. He stands and spits on Cas's blood covered face and leaves, head tossed back in pleased laughter. "Fucking faggot." ]

Castiel shivers violently at the memory of his first encounter with Alistair Hurley, and it wasn't one he would soon, if ever, forget. 'No. I will never make the mistakes I had made then again. I was so stupid. Of course he was right though. It never has gotten better.' He hated to think it but maybe Alistair was right. Maybe he should just kill himself. Maybe he should have done it long ago, maybe even right back there in the junior high school bathroom that day. 'Would that really have been the best idea?' The idea was a little scary but also pressed on his thoughts constantly. Especially recently, as his future draws nearer and he wonders constantly what his life will be like. If he'll be okay, successful. Or if he will just end up failing and killing himself anyways. The thought was there. He wasn't sure if he liked it anymore but the thought was there. 

He walks to first period and sits in his back corner seat, laying his head down on the desk to wait for an opportune moment to escape to the restroom. The teacher goes to the front of the room and starts prattling on about whatever he was talking about. Castiel gets up and silently slips from the room unnoticed. Not like anyone cared if they did. 

He slinks quietly down the hallway, not making a single sound as he went. Not even his shoes scuffed the ground as he walked. Years of living in fear has taught him how to be stealthy, quick and quiet. 

His bright blue eyes dart around every inch of the hallway, making sure he was alone just like the last time. And every time before that minus the first one. 

He creeps into the bathroom and locks himself again into the furthest stall at the edge of the room. He pulls his razor out and sighs happily looking at it. 

He places the pocket warmed metal to his skin and makes a tiny little hissing sound when it slices through the pale flesh, followed by a soft sigh of relief. He stays in the bathroom for a few minuets until the cut stops bleeding and quickly wraps his arm in gauze he kept in his back pocket before heading back to class. He only did that one cut but it felt good enough to last hopefully until after lunch. He was trying to hold back on how much he did it. That was step one.

\------------------

The day simply crawled by for Castiel. He wasn't as anxious about going to the library after school that night as he was about the night before. He hoped Deans kindness stuck around so he would survive. 

He goes to the second to last period of the day and again takes up a back corner seat. He was almost proud of himself. He has only cut that one time that day, a near record for him since normally he would have sliced himself up at least three times already. He wouldn't let himself smile but he was kinda happy. 

Castiel still doesn't look up when the teacher comes in but he seemed a little brighter. "Alright class take out your textbooks and begin reading chapter 7 and write out a three page paper due Tuesday about the way certain influences can make the human brain go insane and the possible outcomes of different types of insanity. I know you all have finals in other classes coming up but no, homework overload is not an /actual/ cause of insanity and you will loose points if I see that on any of your papers. Begin." 

Castiel didn't really pay attention to the subject his teacher said, just pulling out his text book and starting to read. Until the words finally sink in. 

His hand starts to shake a little, eyes widening before he snaps them closed in pain, trying to not think about it. 'No no no!!' He quickly jumps up and excuses himself to the bathroom. 

He didn't even think about being quiet this time. He was just desperate to distract himself now. He slides into the bathroom and slams the stall door shut behind himself. He fumbles in his pocket and pulls the razor out, making a quick, jerky line across the vein. He was panicking now. What the book said, described his family perfectly. 'Insanity. Mentally unstable. Dangerous.' Cas shutters and cuts deeper, crying out in pain when he cuts a little too deep.

To his surprise, the stall door comes flying open and the frustrated, furious face of Dean Winchester stands in the door way. "Stop it! Castiel stop it!" He yells and knocks the razor from his hand. 

Dean had been waiting for him outside the bathroom for nearly half the day. He knew Castiel would end up there eventually and would cut himself. 

The razor goes flying out of the startled teens hand and Castiel falls against the side wall of the stall. Dean kicks the razor down the drain in the middle of the floor and turns to look at Cas furiously. "Goddamnit Castiel." Dean comes over to the more pale then usual teen and grabs his shoulders tightly, holding him still. He drops one hand to pick up Cas's hand and inspect the cut marks. "You stupid boy. Don't do this to yourself Castiel. Please, stop this." He cradles his hand gently and takes his own plaid over shirt off, ripping a strip and tying it around his bleeding wrist. He touches his forehead softly to Cas's and sighs heavily. "You're right when you say I don't know you. That I never let myself get to know you. But Castiel... Cas, I do know a good person when I meet one, and you are one of the best. Whatever is happening to you now, you can get over it. Nothing is forever. The pain will go away if you let it." He locks their fingers together gently and brings Cas's wrapped arm up to his mouth. "I will help you take that pain away. Please, let me. I can't watch someone like you continue to hurt himself." He places a soft kiss over the mark, closing his eyes. 

Castiel finally recovers from his shock enough to pull his arm away and look at Dean in confusion and horror. "P-please- please don't tell anyone!" 

"If I need to take this to the counselor, I will. You need to stop this, no matter what it takes." Dean says firmly. 

"I'm trying to stop!" He sobs. "You don't know what I'm going through Dean! It's not something that's just going to 'go away'. I'm stuck with this for the rest of my life! I will /never/ just be okay!" 

"You don't know that. It might get better if you let it. Hurting yourself is not the way to make it better though." 

"It doesn't hurt." He whimpers. 

"Excuse me?"

"I said it doesn't hurt! It feels good!" He cries and tries to push Dean away. 

"Oh Cas." He chokes up a little. "Please. Stop it. You know it doesn't feel good. You know that. It's bad. What you're doing is bad. You're going to regret it so much later, when you're a happy old man living in a mansion by the beach, you're going to hate that you have given yourself these scars. Don't make them worse. Don't do this anymore. You can stop. I know you can. You're stronger then you think. Stop." Dean cups the side of his face softly. "Please. I'm begging you." 

Castiel squirms back and runs out of the bathroom as fast as possible. He didn't show up for tutoring that night. Nor did he appear in school the next day. 

Castiel seemed to have disappeared.


End file.
